Back to Cat Humour Index

Laws of Physics as applied to Cats

Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until the cat gets good and ready to stop.

Aerodynamics: If it flies, a cat will chase it.

Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Dinner Table Attendance: A cat will attend all meals when anything good is served.

Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest the cat.

Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Elongation: A cat can make its body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to the cat's embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Energy Conservation--First Law: A cat knows that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will therefore use as little energy as possible.

Energy Conservation--Second Law: A cat knows that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace its own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Gravity: The cat knows that gravity works, even when sound asleep.

Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Milk Consumption: A cat will drink its weight in milk, squared, just to show you that the cat can do it.

Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in direct proportion to a human's desire for the cat to do something.

Obstruction: A cat will lay on the floor in such a position as to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek (and usually take over) the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Sleeping: A cat will sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as possible, while maintaining the cat's own comfort.

Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Total Composition: A cat is composed of "Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter!"

Back to Cat Humour Index

Return to top of page