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The Tale Of Catillac The Cat

By: Kurt Wilson (aka: Lawrence of Suburbia) - The Olympian Online

Posted with express permission.

April 2006

Suburbian family is no match for a kitten...

Here's sage advice for parents everywhere: It is NEVER safe to go into a pet store with your child. Because we already had Yuppie the Puppy, I figured it was OK to take the Crown Prince along on a dog-food buying expedition. Wrong. We barely cleared the front door of our local critter emporium before running into a cage full of kittens.

Has anyone ever seen a cage full of kittens that didnít need adopting? The Crown Prince headed for them like gravy going after a silk necktie. He had a little black and white creature in his arms before I could get to the o of no. One look at this kitten told me here was an animal with enormous potential for becoming a cat. I did not want a cat. I put my foot down. We left with the dog food and no feline.

It must have been oh, gosh, almost half an hour before we were back signing adoption papers. Well, I must admit he is awfully cute. He appears to be wearing a tuxedo and has one blue eye while the other is green. We named him Catillac. He settled into our house like it was his birthright and immediately took away Yuppie the Puppy's bed.

Catillac hadn't lived with us all that long before we began to notice something unusual about him ó he's off-the-charts crazy. I don't mean playful and mischievous. More like homicidal. Catillac is constantly bringing home his "catch of the day." I'm not talking sparrows here. He gets rabbits and squirrels. The other day, I swear it's true, I caught him stalking a deer. I began thinking maybe we should have named him Bwana.

Yuppie weighs in at 95 pounds, but he gave this kitten a wide berth.

When hunting wasn't good, Catillac pushed the dog aside and ate the chow right out of his bowl. It was as if we had gone to adopt a kitten and accidentally adopted der Fuehrer. Catillac wasn't content with taking over our house and everything in it.

He threw a wider net. Dogs want a home, cats want an empire. He had set his mismatched eyes on placing the whole neighbourhood under his paw.

Then, one day, his arrogance went too far. Yuppie was resting in a sunny spot when the cat decided to harass him just to show he could.

Catillac began batting the dog's nose repeatedly. Yuppie waited until the cat failed to retreat out of range and quickly seized the little dictator in his mouth.

Without clamping down hard enough to hurt him, he hoisted the cat into the air and allowed him time to think. Being immobilized in the jaws of an animal many times his size gave kitty a new perspective.

When Yuppie set him down, he was a changed cat. This isn't to say he no longer gets high handed. His perspective was changed, not his species. However, Yuppie can, from time to time, give him that look that says, "Wanna go for a ride?" That cools his jets.

I learned my lesson, too. I've christened my station wagon "The Spirit of St. Louis," because when I go to the pet store I'm as lonely as Charles Lindbergh.

Kurt Wilson, "Lawrence of Suburbia," has been married for more than 20 years (same woman!), has a teenage son, drives a station wagon and owns a self-propelled lawnmower. To reach him, send e-mail.

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