Dear Moggies-on-line,

It's come to my notice that two cats of my acquaintance have been e-mailing each other. I chanced upon the first of their exchanges at New Year, and I fear that as they get more adept at the keypawed, as they call it, the messages will continue. For clarification, the two cats involved are Sam, a portly grey and white moggie of 13+ years, who stays in Galloway at my father's house, and his nephew Anakin, a black-and-white teenager, who lives in the village of Cardross, north of Glasgow. The other characters mentioned are Blue Cap (unfortunately, a reference to me); Miss Helen (my sister and Sam's mistress who lives in Boston, but visits frequently); and Miss Hanne (my daughter). Anyway, here is a flavour of their exchanges:

Sent 01/01/02

My Dear Uncle Sam

This is your nephew Anakin calling! I thought I'd better get in touch with you and wish you a Very Catty New Year. I hear the odd snippet of news about you from you know who - the wee fatty with the blue cap. Strange looking creature...seems to come and go a lot. I see him quite often when I'm in my usual daytime position on the top shelf in the bathroom. One of the warmest places in this old house...don't know how they survive. Still that's their concern. I hear you've had quite a taste for bits of chicken this Festive season. I was offered, and accepted, some turkey the other day...very tasty. Strangely though, no giblets this year...but since I never ate them anyway, I suppose they've gone elsewhere - probably to the gulls - and what a nuisance they are! The crows are worse though...can't be doing with them. Anyway, I'd better go, I hear Miss Hanne approaching and I wouldn't like her to catch me at the keypawed.

Do stay in touch.

Best wishes

Anakin

Sent 02/01/02

Dear Uncle Sam

Hello again. I should have sent these yesterday, but I gathered these whisker-ticklers from the Christmas crackers lying around. You might want to try them on Miss Helen - I've found it's the only way to humour them, with all this left-over turkey and chicken around. They've even been putting some left-overs out to those awful birds, for Cat's sake!Anyway, as pawmissed...

Q: Where do you put a criminal sheep?
A: Behind baas.

Mum: Do you get a choice for your school dinners?
Tom: Yes, take it or leave it.

Q: Where do astronauts leave their cars?
A: At parking meteors.

Q: How do you make a Swiss roll?
A: Push him down a hill.

Q: What happened to the man who didn't know the difference between putty and toothpaste?
A: All his windows fell out.

That's it for now... try them out, see how far you get. I'd better go before I'm caught at the keypawed again. I'm getting better at it, but it still takes me ages. I hear Blue Cap is coming back down to see you tomorrow... I pity you, he's been an absolute pest over Christmas.

Best dishes

Your loving nephew Anakin

Sent 14/01/02

Dear Anakin

How are you dear nephew? I was lying by the fire earlier today and overheard some talk about your Miss Hanne getting an unconditional place at Glasgow University or somesuch... something about pawlitics and another word I couldn't make out. I went to university you know, many years ago now... St Catstews, I think it was... studied human traits and lip-reading... I've found it very useful to this day, particularly around feeding time. I wonder if pawlitics has anything to do with the study of cats' habits and their needs... I doubt it somehow. Old Blue Cap is back in charge down here, after Miss Helen left yesterday. He's actually a bit of a soft touch, and I hung around him long enough this morning until he caved in and gave me a FULL satchet. Anyway, it's getting to that time again, so I'll go and hang around the kitchen.

If you come across Miss Hanne, give her my concatulations...

Lots of Love

Uncle Sam

Sent 17/01/02

Dear Miss Helen

I was lying down by the kitchen stove when I overheard some talk about wishing you a Happy Bird-day. I remember when I used to have good bird-days, but as you know I don't move so fast now, so they're few and far between. Anyway, there haven't been too many birds around since you left - Blue Cap took their food holders away - something about keeping out of the way of those ratty things I've seen in among the trees from time to time. Funnily enough, I've not seen any since a man paid a visit... so that's no birds and no ratty things. I blame it all on Blue Cap... but he is such a soft touch... I hung around him again this morning, and he grumped and grunted as usual, and then gave me some of those tasty chicken and cheese wallet things that you bought... and I KNOW he went off and got some more, because I saw him put them in the cupboard. He thinks I didn't see him though. Otherwise, things have slipped a bit since you left... last night I saw the two of them at the freezer-thing getting one of those choc-ices. I had a sniff at one once, but they don't seem to do them with chicken fillings...and they're just too frizzy.

Once again, have a Very Catty Bird-Day...and please don't tell Blue Cap that I've been using his keypawed... I've made sure there are no bits of fur lying around.

Lots of Love

Sam

So, there you are - some recent snippets - and if you want further edited items - I'm sure I can find them, hidden in corners and under the cat dishes.


Robin Wyllie (AKA: Blue Cap)