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A Letter To Mum

16th November 2002


"The human finally sends a picture of me," - Razamataz (aka, The Fonzy)

Dear Mum,

Just a quick letter to let you know how I'm getting on in MY new home.

To say I was a little concerned when I first arrived would be an understatement! The humans expected me to sleep in a little round spongy thing with pictures of cartoon cats on it. I soon chose my preferred sleeping place and made it quite clear I wasn't going to budge (it's best to put your paw down at an early stage). I have to admit it was a bit of a squash because the two larger humans seemed to think it was their bed too. However, I persevered and I've found that one of them usually relents and goes off to sleep somewhere else if I stretch out enough. I'm working on getting rid of them both by leaping on their faces in the dead of night. I thought cats were good at jumping, but humans can really move when startled.

The food's not bad, although not served as frequently as I'd like. At present I'm getting a measly four meals per day, but I've found a little foot pouncing and finger biting sometimes gets me extra treats. My favourite food at the moment is prawns. I've learnt to growl threateningly while I eat them in case someone tries to pinch them out of my bowl. A cat can't be too careful you know.

Now to a more sensitive subject... I don't know how to put this delicately, mum, so I'll just come straight out with it... I'M AN ADDICT!

The humans call it 'cat-nip' and, although I could take it or leave it at first, I have to admit I'm completely hooked. I'm sure the humans have pushed this 'cat-nip' on me as a means of mind control, and I am powerless to resist. They keep the stash in a drawer and I'm working on opening it myself, but so far standing on my back legs and hammering the drawer with my front paws isn't working. I need a new plan.

The have other captives here. There are two gerbils (yet another form of torture since I can't get my paws on them despite all my best efforts), and more alarmingly, they have a dog! I was quite wary of him at first, but it soon transpired he's a blithering idiot. He's kept in a separate room (I'm not particularly happy about this because it's the 'food room'). I go to visit him occasionally - he's always pleased to see me but I don't usually stay long since he insists on licking me, and his breath! UGH!! I didn't want to tell you this last bit, but they have another cat. Despite him being a handsome brute and a fine athelete (he looks a bit like me), they keep him in the wardrobe!! I can see him when the wardrobe door's closed, and I've tried to scratch him out (he matches me move for move, by the way). I've had a good look round the wardrobe when they've left the door open but I can't find him, and he's obviously quite happy in there because he never tries to escape. I'll leave him to it I think - what a wally!

That's about it for now, mum (It's foot biting time - I'm hungry). I hope you're keeping well and not missing me too much. I think the human's are going to send some photographs soon - lord knows I've posed for them enough!

Your ever loving son,

Razamataz (aka, The Fonzy)

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